Post by Eric on Nov 23, 2009 15:32:16 GMT -5
Dear Journal,
If they call that a rescue I’m going to have to tell them the story of five Gnome farmers that rescued a entire city from a army of fire breathing dragons with only slings it was called “Size Matters” and it was great! Still I’m very happy that I didn’t get turned into dinner, from what they say, I was very close.
We got back to town and that’s when it really hit me, not the fact that Kirby was dead, or the bodies that were half eaten in the locker with me were kids, or even that Jason had helped in my rescue. I lost my armor! Mom’s going to kill me! She had it made just for me because I was her first child to finish school and become a valiant cleric of Osirus. She’s never going to forgive me.
Well a hero can only mope around so long before small cracks of evil can find their way in so I threw on my blanket to cover my man parts and headed to talk to the group. After passing around some heals and thanking them for saving my life. One of the Elves, Oak I think, started asking what equipment we would need to go back and finish our mission. I politely informed Willow, I would need full plate, a flail, a helmet, and a large shield. I would even be willing to go with lesser craftsmanship because they saved me. I guess he was low on money because I got studded leather and a old flail from a Bunch-O-Weapons bin. I have met lots of people out here that are just not good with their money, they just spend and spend like gold grows on trees, mom always told me that saving my money is more important and buying girls and beer is what people like my deadbeat father did.
We headed off under armed, under equipped, and as always under appreciated. We got about half a mile out from the caves and the elves Birch and Redwood said we should wait here while they scout ahead to try and see what the guard situation is. We agreed and started preparing for combat.
The elves Eucalyptus and Cactus came back quickly to say there was a trap inside the front door of the cave and that they were scared to try to tamper with it , then they scampered and pounced off into the woods, none of us really knew why or where they were going. I did read in a book called “A quick history of elves” written by the Human Power Group (whoever they are), that stated male elves like to have sex when they feel they did something right, so maybe they were having sex with each other. They say that’s why it takes so long for them to grow up, because every time they kill a rabbit for dinner they have sex, every time they collect a full bucket of water from the well without dropping it they have sex, every head of corn that grows to maturity they have sex for, and so on. After forty minutes I advised the group that a smart or experienced scout would have checked in with us to report. Since they had not I felt we should be heading in to rescue them, most likely the pot is already being brought to a boil for elf stew.
Stealthy as a cat the party snuck up on the front of the cave. We saw that the door was open, stupid bugbears most likely left it open as they carried the elves inside crying and pooping themselves. I have always said I will NOT ever be the character of a book that gets so scared he pee’s or poops himself, even if it means my death! We tried to cover the ward on the ground with loose branches and snow so no one could see it, then someone had to be the Ginny pig. After a little argument StarGlow said he would do it. I praised him for his bravery and told him he is an amazing person for doing it, since it should be a fighter or a warrior. He replied “or maybe a tough cleric” at that point I quoted from “Osirus’s Complete Cleric’s Guide to Heroism and NOT being a Dork Anymore” That’s the book I’m writing (title subject to change). I told him “No, a cleric should never go first because he need to save the lives of the people that get hurt”. There is a order to things and in the order of traps; cleric goes last! Once the book is done I will have a graphic depiction of this order. He didn’t respond so I’m thinking he completely agreed with me in all aspects. He went forward and even with all our debris the trap still went off, luckily if didn’t hurt StarGlow. After the trap was gone, the NOT brave Malkierian charged forward swinging his swords around like a bee’s hive had fallen on the ground yet nothing was there. We searched the whole of the encampment but not one single bugbear was there, they must have heard I got a new flail and fled at a speedy pace. We grabbed what we could of items left behind and went outside to talk about what do to about the missing elves.
About the same time we all agreed the elves were lost and that we should head back to town one of them arrived. I believe it was Aspen or Pine or Maple but I always forget their names. I berated him harshly for wandering off. He tried for some witty comebacks but now was not the time, and I explained the age old adage “there is no I in team”. There is no comeback to that ever, so I had won this volley of wits, like always.
Aspen said that they had been tracking a large group of bugbear heading west into the mountains. We all agreed to go and quickly caught up with the other elf Pine or Pomegranate or Poplar, hmmm, Never mind no one really cares, moving on… We start following the elves but they got mad at us and said we were making to much noise. After a argument, Man…, these elves are loud, always wanting to argue. They really should have read more books in their 100 year childhood, But, I bet if they read a sentence right the first time they would have to stop and have sex with each other, that would take a while. They started marking trees for us so we could follow a ways behind. After about five hours they met up with us and told us there are three female Bugbear on guard ahead. They said we should try to do everything quietly in the dark. We calmly explained that humans can’t see in the dark. That should have been part of their initial training on human culture, there teacher must have been never having sex since he never finished any lessons. After a lot of idea’s, I think it was decided that Jacob was going to use his mind to sort of hold them in place but he would have to see them first. The elves get all mad because we are going to need light and run off before they can show us where on the path the Bugbears are. We start heading to where we think they are. I guess the elves were impatient and started the fight without us, because next thing I know there are bugbear calls ringing into the night air and one of the elves running passed us without even seeing us as he did. I think there might have been a little pee on his trousers too, maybe he calls it sap. The fight ensued, My mighty flail flying to and fro cleaving a path of destruction through the ranks of bugbears. After running to Jacob’s rescue seeing the group held and me as Jacob’s only savior, I fearlessly charged into the maw of the beasts! Alas I was greatly out numbered at least thirty to two, the one being me the two being Osirus always at my side. I fell and the world went black….
Ewwwwwww…. Web’s...... The fight still doesn’t look over! There are bugbears next to me caught in this web too! Ohhhhh…. DAMNIT! Jason did something to me! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! Jason said that I need to heal before I fall down again. Well that’s a good thing that means he just woke me up not saved my life. I get ready to cast a Cure Light on myself but Malkierian gets all pissy and starts yelling like a little girl to save the elf first. I thought Malkierian was smarter then that so I calmly explain what I will talk about in Chapter three titled “Fighter = Retarded“ of “Osirus’s guide to being a Badass Cleric” (title subject to change). I let him know that if I fall unconscious that I won’t be able to heal anyone and that he should leave the healing to me and try not to get held next time in the middle of a fight. He started crying like a little girl and its always sad to see a bully crying because they are not used to it like me. So I swore to him I would do everything in my power to save the elf. I could not even tell what elf it was. I think I’m just going to call them all Daisy from now on. I saved Daisy, Jacob, and Cyric in short order. It’s nice to be a amazing cleric, unlike Jason.
We headed back to town.
In town we gave the son of the Baron back to him. The Baron in his grief was very upset at the loss of his daughter and wife and told us all to leave. Cyric and Daisy started goading him on until the Baron got upset and had Cyric arrested and beaten unconscious. Before violence erupted in the Barons castle I stepped in and said that they were both upset the Baron for losing his wife and daughter and Cyric for losing comrades like Kirby and the other elf , Willow or maybe Oak, I think. The Baron agreed with me and Banished Cyric forever from his lands. I of course just as mommy taught me bowed and thanked him for his mercy and dragged the stupid Cyric out of his building.
Maybe next time Journal I will have a more interesting story with no elves and people that have at least read “Lives, loves, Loss, and Dangers of adventures” one of the best books in the world!
Love you Journal, one day I’ll find a spell to make you real!
Dr. Bartholomue Tiberius Hinkleman Jr. esq.
If they call that a rescue I’m going to have to tell them the story of five Gnome farmers that rescued a entire city from a army of fire breathing dragons with only slings it was called “Size Matters” and it was great! Still I’m very happy that I didn’t get turned into dinner, from what they say, I was very close.
We got back to town and that’s when it really hit me, not the fact that Kirby was dead, or the bodies that were half eaten in the locker with me were kids, or even that Jason had helped in my rescue. I lost my armor! Mom’s going to kill me! She had it made just for me because I was her first child to finish school and become a valiant cleric of Osirus. She’s never going to forgive me.
Well a hero can only mope around so long before small cracks of evil can find their way in so I threw on my blanket to cover my man parts and headed to talk to the group. After passing around some heals and thanking them for saving my life. One of the Elves, Oak I think, started asking what equipment we would need to go back and finish our mission. I politely informed Willow, I would need full plate, a flail, a helmet, and a large shield. I would even be willing to go with lesser craftsmanship because they saved me. I guess he was low on money because I got studded leather and a old flail from a Bunch-O-Weapons bin. I have met lots of people out here that are just not good with their money, they just spend and spend like gold grows on trees, mom always told me that saving my money is more important and buying girls and beer is what people like my deadbeat father did.
We headed off under armed, under equipped, and as always under appreciated. We got about half a mile out from the caves and the elves Birch and Redwood said we should wait here while they scout ahead to try and see what the guard situation is. We agreed and started preparing for combat.
The elves Eucalyptus and Cactus came back quickly to say there was a trap inside the front door of the cave and that they were scared to try to tamper with it , then they scampered and pounced off into the woods, none of us really knew why or where they were going. I did read in a book called “A quick history of elves” written by the Human Power Group (whoever they are), that stated male elves like to have sex when they feel they did something right, so maybe they were having sex with each other. They say that’s why it takes so long for them to grow up, because every time they kill a rabbit for dinner they have sex, every time they collect a full bucket of water from the well without dropping it they have sex, every head of corn that grows to maturity they have sex for, and so on. After forty minutes I advised the group that a smart or experienced scout would have checked in with us to report. Since they had not I felt we should be heading in to rescue them, most likely the pot is already being brought to a boil for elf stew.
Stealthy as a cat the party snuck up on the front of the cave. We saw that the door was open, stupid bugbears most likely left it open as they carried the elves inside crying and pooping themselves. I have always said I will NOT ever be the character of a book that gets so scared he pee’s or poops himself, even if it means my death! We tried to cover the ward on the ground with loose branches and snow so no one could see it, then someone had to be the Ginny pig. After a little argument StarGlow said he would do it. I praised him for his bravery and told him he is an amazing person for doing it, since it should be a fighter or a warrior. He replied “or maybe a tough cleric” at that point I quoted from “Osirus’s Complete Cleric’s Guide to Heroism and NOT being a Dork Anymore” That’s the book I’m writing (title subject to change). I told him “No, a cleric should never go first because he need to save the lives of the people that get hurt”. There is a order to things and in the order of traps; cleric goes last! Once the book is done I will have a graphic depiction of this order. He didn’t respond so I’m thinking he completely agreed with me in all aspects. He went forward and even with all our debris the trap still went off, luckily if didn’t hurt StarGlow. After the trap was gone, the NOT brave Malkierian charged forward swinging his swords around like a bee’s hive had fallen on the ground yet nothing was there. We searched the whole of the encampment but not one single bugbear was there, they must have heard I got a new flail and fled at a speedy pace. We grabbed what we could of items left behind and went outside to talk about what do to about the missing elves.
About the same time we all agreed the elves were lost and that we should head back to town one of them arrived. I believe it was Aspen or Pine or Maple but I always forget their names. I berated him harshly for wandering off. He tried for some witty comebacks but now was not the time, and I explained the age old adage “there is no I in team”. There is no comeback to that ever, so I had won this volley of wits, like always.
Aspen said that they had been tracking a large group of bugbear heading west into the mountains. We all agreed to go and quickly caught up with the other elf Pine or Pomegranate or Poplar, hmmm, Never mind no one really cares, moving on… We start following the elves but they got mad at us and said we were making to much noise. After a argument, Man…, these elves are loud, always wanting to argue. They really should have read more books in their 100 year childhood, But, I bet if they read a sentence right the first time they would have to stop and have sex with each other, that would take a while. They started marking trees for us so we could follow a ways behind. After about five hours they met up with us and told us there are three female Bugbear on guard ahead. They said we should try to do everything quietly in the dark. We calmly explained that humans can’t see in the dark. That should have been part of their initial training on human culture, there teacher must have been never having sex since he never finished any lessons. After a lot of idea’s, I think it was decided that Jacob was going to use his mind to sort of hold them in place but he would have to see them first. The elves get all mad because we are going to need light and run off before they can show us where on the path the Bugbears are. We start heading to where we think they are. I guess the elves were impatient and started the fight without us, because next thing I know there are bugbear calls ringing into the night air and one of the elves running passed us without even seeing us as he did. I think there might have been a little pee on his trousers too, maybe he calls it sap. The fight ensued, My mighty flail flying to and fro cleaving a path of destruction through the ranks of bugbears. After running to Jacob’s rescue seeing the group held and me as Jacob’s only savior, I fearlessly charged into the maw of the beasts! Alas I was greatly out numbered at least thirty to two, the one being me the two being Osirus always at my side. I fell and the world went black….
Ewwwwwww…. Web’s...... The fight still doesn’t look over! There are bugbears next to me caught in this web too! Ohhhhh…. DAMNIT! Jason did something to me! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! Jason said that I need to heal before I fall down again. Well that’s a good thing that means he just woke me up not saved my life. I get ready to cast a Cure Light on myself but Malkierian gets all pissy and starts yelling like a little girl to save the elf first. I thought Malkierian was smarter then that so I calmly explain what I will talk about in Chapter three titled “Fighter = Retarded“ of “Osirus’s guide to being a Badass Cleric” (title subject to change). I let him know that if I fall unconscious that I won’t be able to heal anyone and that he should leave the healing to me and try not to get held next time in the middle of a fight. He started crying like a little girl and its always sad to see a bully crying because they are not used to it like me. So I swore to him I would do everything in my power to save the elf. I could not even tell what elf it was. I think I’m just going to call them all Daisy from now on. I saved Daisy, Jacob, and Cyric in short order. It’s nice to be a amazing cleric, unlike Jason.
We headed back to town.
In town we gave the son of the Baron back to him. The Baron in his grief was very upset at the loss of his daughter and wife and told us all to leave. Cyric and Daisy started goading him on until the Baron got upset and had Cyric arrested and beaten unconscious. Before violence erupted in the Barons castle I stepped in and said that they were both upset the Baron for losing his wife and daughter and Cyric for losing comrades like Kirby and the other elf , Willow or maybe Oak, I think. The Baron agreed with me and Banished Cyric forever from his lands. I of course just as mommy taught me bowed and thanked him for his mercy and dragged the stupid Cyric out of his building.
Maybe next time Journal I will have a more interesting story with no elves and people that have at least read “Lives, loves, Loss, and Dangers of adventures” one of the best books in the world!
Love you Journal, one day I’ll find a spell to make you real!
Dr. Bartholomue Tiberius Hinkleman Jr. esq.
